Healing therapies.

A few weeks or months back (I don't know, they are all a blur sometimes, I have been isolated in my apartment for 9 months due to a back surgery that took place in January), I flipped out and was basically begging my friends for affection. That was a suicidal depression emotion wave. Don't remember if I labeled it that or not. I thought it would be helpful to simply sit and hug or snuggle on the couch for a while, an hour maybe, just to see what I could resolve, since one of my main problems is that I have a lifetime of touch deficit. My thoughts were validated recently when I discovered that there is a professional hugger here in Orange County. You can be sure that I will be going to see him soon.

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Anyway, basically, my friends all told me to fuck off, which was really a slap in the face. I was amazed. These are people who I go out of my way constantly to help. (Like the time I fetched my friend's mom and sister, who is now fighting a recurrence of cancer, to his wedding, AND provided flowers because I discovered at the last minute that no prior arrangements had been made. And they even talked about buying a vacation house together with me and another couple? I consider these people to be family). I was not asking for anything more than anything that we had done in the past, when they all used to use my apartment every evening after work as the local saloon. I enjoyed those days immensely, and had all the interaction I could handle, save a romantic relationship. But all the laughter and touch and hugs and conversation was a pretty good substitute for romance, most of the time. I would still periodically suffer the odd suicidal emotion wave because I did not think I could go on as a single person one more day.

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Anyway, I am still amazed that this bunch of people remain steadfastly opposed to assisting me in any way, and tell me that they hope "I don't expect anything from them." Well, um. I guess I expected their support, and to be able to lean on their shoulder once in a while. I did specifically request healing hugs as described on the Ecstatic Embrace website, but so far, no one has felt that this is appropriate. That's funny, when they used my apartment as the local saloon (which I did not mind, at all), I could barely keep up with all the affection. So now that the booze has stopped flowing, and the party is over, that means that I no longer get any affection? Where I come from, that is called a "fair weather" friend (meaning that when the going gets rough, they drop you like a hot potato. Hmm. I did think it strange that the same friend objected so much to my driving 5 miles out of the way to take someone home from a party the other day - what's the big deal?).

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I am beginning to come to the conclusion that I have a relationship (platonic) with a personality who only comes out when one of my best friends is drinking, and that his sober self has little or no memory of this personality, and the drunk and sober personalities do not share the same memory banks or traits or values or anything. That *has* to be the explanation about why he is so defensive, as though I am trying to get away with stealing something if he were to do a healing hug session with me.

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Because his old drunk personality would not have minded one bit.

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I suppose there is a possibility that he thinks that I am trying to sneak a way to get close to him, since I am very attracted to him, but he is already married to someone else. I promise, this is for platonic purposes only. But I don't want anyone to do anything that they do not 100% feel comfortable with and want to do.

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As a matter of fact, one straight married couple who was in the plea for affection are both out of work right now. I could be paying them a discounter hug rate instead of the professional guy. Hmm.