Thank you, Robert Scheinfeld.

So I got to use "The Process" as described by Robert Scheinfeld in the DVD series I bought last year, "Infinite Journey," during my attack of acute suicidal desire on Sunday, 7/5/09. First, you have to go totally into the pain and discomfort, and really feel it. Then, you thank it. Send it Love. Then, to say to yourself that "this feeling is a tool I created in order to fool myself and to convince myself that I am powerless and helpless and am something other than my infinite being, unlimited self, and that it has no power over me. It is just perfect love and support in disguise."
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OK. This enabled me to abort the very severe part of the emotion wave. I guess that the $500.00 I paid for this excellent DVD series that nobody wants to watch just paid for itself, wouldn't you say?
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Now, I just have to continue to do this until such time as I begin to be able to "deconstruct" what is going on that triggers this emotion. It's been in there for a long, long time, it is the same feeling that I had at age 5 when I walked into the neighbors' home and saw the parents on the couch all curled up and enjoying a loving snuggle, and I thought to myself, "that's what I want! That's what you are SUPPOSED to do!" I do not know the circumstances around my birth, but if my pregnancy was viewed as a problem, was an accident, or in any way unplanned, there is a possibility that whatever thought form is triggering this emotion precedes my actual physical birth.
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So, anyway, instead of just riding the torture merry-go-round, now that the suicidal depression has started again, at least I have a few more tools in the box to fight back with. I ate half my sandwich and 5 cherries. I smoked 2 cigarettes this morning, which was all the ones in the house. I am using the patch and the fake cigarette. I started drinking water early today. I did chores. I don't know what else there is that I could possibly do to escape the suicidal urges. They coincide with the desperate desire for intimacy, closeness (mental, physical, and spiritual), for touch and sensuality, and for sexuality, things that I have never had before, consistently. (I began to date a very nice man last year, but he is gone a lot with work). The intensity of the emotion wave is strong. I am confident that I can hang on long enough to deconstruct this belief, whatever it is, in fact I am kinda pissed off now and am READY for Scheinfeld's tools to crack this baby. It may take months, who knows. He just said that it worked for him.