Introduction

I am starting this blog at the suggestion of my friend to document my struggle through suicidal depression, seeing what works and what doesn't work.

I've been fighting depression and pain for many years, and I have a full aresenal of tools to fight it with, including a psychiatrist and counselor and meds and all that stuff. I also have some alternative methods of fighting, which I will discuss as I go along. I have every intention of working out all these issues and clearing my soul so that I never have to return to this wretched planet again. I cannot guarantee, however, that I will not wake up one morning and just say "Fuck It," and off myself. Can you? I've lasted 46 years, and I am pretty sure that I can keep going till the bitter end. Remember, my motivation is NO RETURN TO EARTH, and that makes hanging in there worth it.

I think this issue is way undervalued in our society, and I think that many more people battle suicidal depression on a daily basis than the "experts" know about. I may make this public so as to draw attention to the subject.

I am open to suggestions about alternative therapies, methods, and the like. If you have 'encouraging words,' such as "you have to love yourself first," which is enough to make a suicidal person want to off themself, please save it - I have heard it all.

So we begin. I will start with a cross post from my regular blog. I had a systems upgrade on 7/4/09 right after it turned midnight on July 4th, which prompted me to write a blog about the energy shift, new levels of awareness, etc. The next day I learned that a sunspot had erupted at about that time. I have known for some time that I am extremely sensitive and tuned in to energy, and have had more and more incidences like this one documenting my connection to the energies of eclipses, solstices, etc.
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"...the crop circles predict a major sun spot/flare on 7/7/09. Whether this is exactly true is a side issue - the idea is that we are about to be pounded with energy that is transformational in nature. By definition of that word, there will be some destruction, but that is only the first cycle of the process of transformation.Since the sunspot was so easily detected by my sensors the other night, I fully anticipate that the "big" one will have the capacity to fry some stuff. Know that I personally am just exhausted from the rollercoaster.
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Today I woke up and was cleaning house and whatever crips do to pass the time, and was feeling so awful that I had to stop what I was doing and take a walk. I mean literally, I had to take a walk in order to keep from slitting my wrists. I wanted to be able to express love, and closeness, sexuality maybe even. Same old shit. Whatever. I walked, slowly, trying to see how best to accommodate the length discrepancy between my legs, due to pelvis tilt, to avoid pain in the hips. Same old shit. Whatever. I *almost* cried, but avoided that mess. I ended up at Trader Joe's, and I saw Ranier Cherries when I first walked in and grabbed some. I was really after a turkey sandwich, and could not find any prepared sandwiches. They moved everything around. But I persisted and finally found the TWO LITTLE BITTY prepared sandwich rows were. I came back home and prepared lunch, and then resumed my chores while taking bites at the same time, so as to hurry up and finish making the bed so that I could get back into it. I am not done with my chores, but the bed is made, and that is where I am headed."